J,
How have you been?
I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay… I mean I’m not, but I’m still hoping that I will be. I don’t know why I’m doing this, I know we said we never want to speak to each other again. But I wanted to type all the thoughts of you away... Besides, I never had anyone else I could talk to like this but you. Only you knew me like this, only you saw me at my lowest and my worst and my weakest. And at this very second I feel I am at my weakest.
I’ve been trying… Even when I sent you that drunk text last night that I had no memory of until I checked our message thread today to see if you had texted. That was such a desperate thing to do. I will keep trying not to reach out to you whenever I feel like I need you. But it will be hard…very hard to convince myself that I don’t need you. Especially when I’m always in my room, where we used to laugh our hearts out to all the stupid jokes we had. Or whenever I’m on my bed crying myself to sleep, where you used to wrap your long arms around me from behind. And whenever I see the perfect shaped pillow you gave me, just laying there as if it was waiting for you to come back and have your back rest on it again while you work or play your game on your phone and I sleep.
I’ve been trying not to think of you… But when I rode a cab home this morning, my head throbbing from all the alcohol I just had, I nonchalantly typed in the plate on our message thread and almost hit send… until I realized I can’t do that anymore. I can't keep giving you the responsibility of taking care of me. I was going to send it to Mom, or anyone else but you. But it didn't seem right. I only ever did that to you because I always felt like I only needed to send it to you. I never felt like I “needed” other people to be there for me. I only ever needed you. And I know it’s so stupid to give you that kind of responsibility. But even so I never heard you complain.
I don’t know why I’m writing, and I don’t know what we are today. Do you think of me, too? Do you wonder how I am? Who I'm with, what made me smile today, what I ate for lunch? Isn't it just hard? We’ve been so used to knowing these things... I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on like this… but I’ve been reading, watching videos, listening to music through the cracked version of Spotify you shared with me through that file sharing app. Oh that file sharing app... Do you remember when I didn't know how to use that app and you figured it all out for me? You always figured things out for me...
Do you see what I mean? Everything I do or see or smell or hear reminds me of you. And it hurts so bad, but I try to convince myself that I'll be okay.
Do you see what I mean? Everything I do or see or smell or hear reminds me of you. And it hurts so bad, but I try to convince myself that I'll be okay.
I don't know if I will ever get you to read this. But if ever I do and if I keep writing here, I hope you forgive me.
Take care of yourself…
- A
